The Aliens Did It
by SevenMinutesFast
Summary: A very cliche fanfic where very cliche aliens kidnap Will and Lyra. Well, who did you EXPECT them to abduct? Rated PG-13 for extreme hyperness.
1. The Boring Introduction

15-year-old Lyra was walking down the street, feeling very alone. She missed Will terribly, like in every other fanfic written about her. Suddenly, she gets pulled up into a beam of light. She floats up and into the mother ship. In front of her, she sees very cliché aliens. Of course, in her world, they didn't have movies or TV, so she didn't realize it was cliché that they were green beings with big eyes and a big head. However, Will, who of course is abducted also (what kind of fanfic would this be without him?), knew that they were.  
  
Will was riding a bicycle down an alley. He missed Lyra terribly (well did you think he HATED her?), remembering everything about her, so he didn't realize that he was about to run into a brick wall. When he did, instead of just squeezing the hand-brakes (the dangers of falling in love), he started screaming. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed. (Well, how did you EXPECT him to scream?) But he was suddenly suspended in air by a beam of light. "Hold up," he commanded himself. "Where have I heard of people being suspended in a beam of light before? Oh, of course! Being abducted by aliens!" he tried to slap himself on the head but found that he could not, as he couldn't move any direction but up, and he was doing that involuntarily. He was going to scream again but then he saw his abductors. "How cliché," he thought. They had green skin, a large head, and very big eyes. "Beam me up, Scotty!" he thought, while mentally rolling his eyes.  
  
Well of course Will and Lyra met up in the alien spaceship. Did you expect any differently? I mean, don't ALL fanfics that have both characters end up meeting? Of COURSE THEY DO, you answer. I'm so glad you agree. Ok I'm sort of getting off subject. Anyways, they were put in cages before they could land at the super-special alien prison. Will and Lyra were busy admiring each other (how convenient that their cages were right next to each other) while the aliens were keeping careful notes of how teenagers on hormones acted. (Not that we know why…) The author personally thinks that their notes would have been better if they were put in the same cage, but ya know... if you're writing a cliché fanfic it HAS to be cliché. Or else the mean fanfic police will come. They have polka-dotted skin and can dance on their hands... wait, I'm confusing them with my imaginary friend.  
  
After Lyra and Will finished oogling each other, they talked   
Lyra: Why are you big green aliens holding us hostage?  
Aliens: We messed up. We were trying to beam some of our own kind down, but the controls got screwed up, so we beamed you up accidentally.  
Will: All the times I watched The Twilight Zone, I never thought it would happen to ME.  
Lyra: Can I go into Will's cage?  
Aliens. No.  
Will: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez?  
Aliens: No.  
Lyra: Pretty pretty pretty pretty please? With a cherry on top? And chocolate syrup? And extra whipped cream?  
Aliens: Did you say WHIPPED CREAM?!?!?!?  
  
So they all went down to Winstead's to get ice cream sundaes. Strangely, no one thought anything was weird about aliens ordering ice cream sundaes. After they ate, the aliens took Will and Lyra to the super-special alien prison. 


	2. In Which The Authors Go Off Topic

Disclaimer: In case you are really, really, really stupid (or just really greedy and want to sue us for $$$. . . not that we have any) Will and lyra and their relationship (all explaned aspects of it neways) belong to pullman and his crew. Froid, the super-special alien prison, and the aliens belong to us. and the story idea. So if you want to sue us kind of stupid as all i could give u was $4.32 and a bottle of face mask. . . don't.  
  
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"Wait, wait, WAIT," a random little alien named Froid says.  
  
"What?" I reply.  
  
"You arent putting in enough alien stuff," it complains.  
  
"Well of COURSE you think that. You're an alien."  
  
"So?"  
  
"AUUUUUGH! FINE! WELL PUT IN MORE ALIEN STUFF! CURSE YOUR PERSUASIVENESS!"  
  
So, after the author's argument with Froid, we zoom in on the super-special alien prison. Will and Lyra magically appear in the same room. . . I guess the aliens must have read our last story. However, the aliens were observing them very closely (there was a window looking in on the room. . . duh) they chose not to go farther than making out.  
****WE INTERRUPT THIS SCHEDULED REALLY, REALLY GOOD STORY TO BRING YOU "ALIENS" BY FROID CO.***  
  
.::Froid steps up, looking nervous::.  
  
Froid: I am an alien. Aliens are pretty coo-AACK!  
  
.::Froid gets hit by a random rotten cabbage thrown by a random reader::.  
  
"Oi you clear off!" shouts Random Reader.  
  
Well, Froid, for the record, we did try.  
  
***BACK TO THE REALLY, REALLY GOOD STORY (IN A LITTLE BIT)***  
This author dislikes songfics, but she likes a song that she's listening to. So she's going to include lyrics by a song. ^_^  
  
I'm caught up by the angel  
And its heart that bleeds in blue  
I want you to cut out my tongue  
So I can dip it into you  
Some may say, they've heard it all before  
But I still can't believe that time  
You walked into my door  
  
The song is called "Bleeds in Blue" by Home Town Hero. Please don't sue me.  
  
OK, I can see this chapter has gotten a little off the story plot, so we'll do a new chapter later. (We're holding out for reviews.) Hopefully, I won't feel the urge to include any song lyrics (hehehe) and we will have gotten rid of Froid. (If you tell him I said that I will hurt you. Badly.)  
  
SO REVIEW IF YOU WANT MORE!!! 


	3. In Which the Main Characters Ponder The ...

Disclaimer: I would not be wasting my time writing fanfics if I owned anything in this story... and got paid for it. I would be buying a Mustang for me (when I'm 16. stupid driving laws) right now if I owned His Dark Materials. So don't sue me. It's that simple. (My writing partner says "lots and lots of poptarts" too. So yeah.)  
  
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Will and Lyra were getting bored. Not of snogging each other; of course. Of the room. It was completely white: white carpet; walls; couch; couch-bed; the covers on the couch-bed; the toothbrushes; the toothpaste; the shampoo... it was getting a little old, not to mention the glass wall with the cliche aliens observing and drinking coffee... Coffee. One thing that they both missed a lot. See, coffee isn't white. Apparantly, the aliens decided to extend the whiteness to their diet, which consisted mostly of steamed rice. So it was to their amazement that one day, a black button popped up.  
  
So Will goes, "COFFEE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD," and guess what he does. I don't think your guessing. Now GUESS. He. . . PRESSES THE BUTTON. *gasp* He hoped it would be coffee. But no. That would just be too cliche. Out comes a singing asparagus. (It wasn't MY idea!) He's a SPECIAL Cliche-Singing-Asparagus. Perfect for annoying all the readers.  
  
The asparagus blinked. How, I do not know, since asparaguses have no facial feautres whatsoever. But it did. Hey, maybe it was alien asparagus. I can see it now, "Mo-om! I dont want to eat it! Its smiling at me!" .::hem::. Anyways. . . It took a deep breath (HE DID! Despite the lack of a mouth or a respitory system, he bloody did it! Yay!) and belted out the following in a deep, oprah-like voice:  
  
"THAAAAAAAAA-" and was suddenly interrupted by an intense bout of coughing. "That's life," he croaked out. Or she. Or it? Whatever. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."  
  
"Really?" Lyra intoned.  
  
The asparagus ignored her. "Carpe diem! Smile! It makes people wonder!"  
  
"Excuse me, but are you going to kee-" Will was interrupted by a hacking sound.  
  
Rather disgusting.  
  
Will and Lyra saw the singing asparagus coughing up. . . something really, really, gross. And white. So Will pushed the black button, hoping the asparagus would leave. It did. Will and Lyra celebrated by making out some more.  
  
When they were done making out (which wasn't for a LONG time), they sat down on the white loveseat, facing the white table, picked up their white spoons, and ate their steamed rice and drank their milk. (The author would like to add: 'There IS NO SPOON.' Anyone who can tell me where that is from gets to choose something that happens in the next chapter.) Then, they sat down and contemplated The Button of Doom, or possibly The Button of Annoyance, simply because The Button That Brings Out The Singing Cliche Asparagus was. . . too obvious.  
  
They decided that The Button of (insert button or asaragus describing word here) was completely random and they shouldn't worry about it when they could be snogging. So they went and brushed their teeth. Then they snogged. And the author thinks it's time for a new chapter. And remember. . . THERE IS NO SPOON. 


	4. The Authors Have Special Powers!

Disclaimer: Let's just say I own nothing in this chapter. OK? So basically. . . Dont. Sue. Me.  
  
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Thank you readers, for the TONS of reviews we got. That kind of enthusiasm just makes us want to KEEP WRITING as long as we get reviews. Why don't we bump it up to TWO reviews before we update?  
  
PS: We're not bitter. Nope, not us. .::smiles::.  
  
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One day, while Will and Lyra were talking about how being abducted by aliens was so boring, and the only thing they COULD do to pass the time was make out (so not fair. Why can't WE get abducted by aliens along with the guys WE like? I don't think Will and Lyra should be complaining.), the asparagus came back. And neither W or L had pressed the button. MUAHAHAHA! I just realized I have the power to write ANYTHING! So... Eminem pops in. He starts rapping Lose Yourself. (Which is one of my favorite songs.) *You better lose yourself in the music the moment you own it you better never let it go...* Anyways my co-author is going to take over now while I go get some more sugar.  
  
.::hem::. Yes. .::uses Supreme Author Powers to make Eminem go back to where he belongs::. Will and Lyra, momentarily stunned by the apperance of a strange man, rapping, and then suddenly dissapearing, did not notice the asparagus. As her eyes slowly slid back into focus, Lyra caught a little snatch of green on the usually white (how she now hated the color) backround in the corner of her eye and stared at. . .  
  
(the asparagus morphing into weasel mode)  
  
So the asparagus became a rabid weasel. What else is new. Grr. I think we need some background music for this. *Green Day pops in.* That's better. I request "Minority". *Green Day starts playing "Minority".* (By the way Tomosterz (hehe i got that from Abby), if you're reading this, thanks again for burning me International Superhits.) So while Will and Lyra were trying to fight the weasel off with long white pokey things, they were listening to good music, and the author drank more Mountain Dew. . .  
  
. . .Which the other author takes away, on account on the other author having WAY too much sugar in her bloodstream. Actually, now it's more like a sugarstream. ANYWAYS. . . Will was slightly put out that all the authors gave them to fight off this rabid weasel thing (which was still managing to spout cliches in a low, growlish voice) were white pointy things. For example, when Will exclaimed 'Ahh! All we have are white. . . (he peered closer to the white things) mashed potatoes?' (I am demonstrating my Author Power by making the impossible possible) the green weasle replied, 'Worse things happen at sea!'  
  
To which both Will and Lyra replied, 'WHAT!??!?'  
  
I think my co-author is getting a little cocky with her Author Powers. *orders 10-pound supply of chocolate from Belgium* How do you spell Belgium? ANYWAYS. . . (wow that seems to be the word of the day) Will and Lyra finally realized that the author rules everything (YES SHE DOES! MUAHAHAHA) and decided to ask the authors nicely if they could take the weasel out of the story. "FINE," I said, and took the weasel out. "But you two can't have any of my chocolate! Hah!"  
  
"Ghph! Pa!" I added, my mouth full of Belgian chocolate. Translation: 'Yeah, ha.' I am NOT getting cocky with my Author Powers. Theyre just reaaaaaally really cool. .::looks at random readers staring at her, armed with cabbages for any Froid Sightings::. Hem. Well. On with it, then: Lyra looked about the room, but no spitting green rodent could be seen anywhere. (Author changes music from Green Day to the Postal Service, 'The District Sleeps Alone Tonight') That being seen, she promptly bit into her mashed potato skewer thing that defied all laws of gravity and mashed potato by sticking together in a nice, near spear. 'Needs salt,' she remarked thoughtfully. With that, Will grabbed the salt shaker and they devoured their rather odd weapons. After that was done, they sat down on the chairs. 'You know, I'm kinda suprised that they havent tried to make US pure white,' remarked Lyra. 'Come on, we just battled a mutant asparagus/weasel. . . thing. The Authors arent THAT cruel!' An ominous silence filled the room. 'Gulp,' went Will. And at that moment, the door burst open to reveal the two things they wanted to see least right now: Froid. . . with a can of white paint.  
  
THE END... FOR NOW!  
  
A/N: We said it. Two reviews. NOW! 


	5. Everyone Scream Tsunami

Introducing Chapter 5: An All-New, All-Spiffy Continuation of 'The Aliens Did It!', a story described as "Oddly Satisfying!" "Cool!" and "Not a Copyright Infringement on HDM in the Least!" (Warning: May contain blatent referances to white paint. Those who cannot handle this may choose to skip this chapter.)  
  
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Introduction: We apologize for taking so long to update. We are really busy people who have to do really big research papers... all right, there's no excuse for what we've done. *lowers her head sadly* PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! *tears form in eyes*  
  
Now back to the white paint...  
  
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The white paint was very white. The very white paint was contained in a very white bucket. The very white bucket was being held onto by a very white handle. The very white handle was being clasped by a very little, very green hand. This hand was attached to the arm that belonged to a smarmy little alien called Froid. Froid smiled semi-pleasantly and popped his neck. Will and Lyra were wide-eyed in fear for what they knew was inevitable...  
  
Then, suddenly, Carol of the Bells started playing. Now THAT is a cool song. DO do do do DO do do do... and then Froid started melting. At first, he was just dripping, but then he became less and less solid...  
  
Will looked at Lyra. Lyra looked at Will. They then shifted their gaze to the melting alien. Froid glared at them and wheezed, "I'm melting, I'm melting! What a world, what a world..."Then dissapeared completely. All that was left was a very smarmy-looking pile of green goo. Lyra inched over and began to prod the goo with her toe.  
  
The goo started to attack Lyra, so she started flying out the non-existent window. No, I'm just kidding. The only non-existent thing you can fly out of are airplanes. However, Lyra didn't realize she was actually IN a non-existent airplane. What she DID do was... *bum bum buuum* POUR WHITE PAINT ON THE GOO. Suddenly the goo stopped moving. (Froid actually had this allergy to white paint. He was risking his life by attempting to paint them white. Of course, he's also an idiot, as I'm sure you've realized by now.)  
  
Lyra was breathing raggedly... wouldnt you if you had just had a near-death experience with a puddle of unctuous green goo? She flopped onto the couch from exhaustion, and Will brought her a glass of milk. They were about to start talking when Will's eyes got very wide. Lyra turned around, and to her horror, found a giant tsunami wave of white paint rise out of the puddle of goo and, as tsunami waves seem to do, head straight for them.  
  
***important break***  
  
Extremely cool author with an extremely cool Brand New hoodie: What does unctuous mean?  
  
Author with a not-as-cool Brand New T-shirt: Smarmy  
  
Just clearing things up...  
  
***important break over***  
  
Will was finally smart enough to realize they WERE in a non-existent airplane, and told Lyra to jump out of it. So they both jumped out of the non-existent airplane. The spaceship was currently very close to Pluto, so they floated down on their non-existent floating-down-things and landed on the surface, where they saw... DINOSAURS PLAYING THE DANCE OF ISCARIOT!  
  
Then Will's glazed eyes refocused, Will's brain snapped out of day-dream mode, and Will's vocal chords joined Lyra's in screaming while the tsunami of white paint crashed over them.  
  
What REALLY happens to the dinosaurs from Pluto?... Find out, in the NEXT CHAPTER! 


End file.
